Who’s the Indoor Cat Now?

Once, Hoomins didn’t understand my pain ...

To Governors of California, New York, and Illinois

Can you guys give Governor Baker a call? He’s in Boston, on Bacon (the pork kind) Hill. I’m sure you can find his number. He’s an Elephant, and you’re all Donkeys. Clue him in anyway, even though he’s a different Speciez? Lockdown, my Hoomins say, is a learning opportunity. Hoomin Lockdown will show Hoomins what happens when they do this cruel thing to us. Note photo above, as I tried to escape my first summer living with Hoomins. No natural hunter gatherer should be confined like this! It’s INHOOMIN. The only way Hoomins will learn is through experiencing it themselves. They’re kinda … you know, slow. And Speciezist.

To Foxy News

You’re scaring me. You said it was all a hoax. Now you’re saying we’re all gonna die. Which is it? And can cats catch it? Dogs? Fish? Gimme it straight up.

To the US Congress

Why didn’t anyone clue me in regarding a chance to sell off my shares of Purina? What am I, chopped liver? That’s my second favorite canned food. Just because we are what we eat, don’t mistake chopped liver for me.

To President Trump, My Fearless Orange Tabby Leader

My neighbor Bob, who shares tuna sandwiches with me, has a big Grumpy Cat banner on his house. He and I are both very trustworthy, because soon after he explained why Climate Change is a hoax, he shared everything with me, you know, secrets only Elephants know. Some say it’s a cult, but any cult of Elephants that will take in a Wee Little Tortoiseshell (“Money”) Cat, I’m down with. So. You can share the scariest facts with me. I’ll still love you, even though my Hoomins scream at you when you’re on TV. I’m a contrary cat. They are so not the Boss of me. You’re my Fearless Orange Tabby Leader, Grumpy Cat, the Leader of my Pack. You can tell me the truth. Is that malaria drug thing for real? Can I get a mask? I’d like to be tested—I’d be the first Money Cat to do it. What an honor that would be.

To Other Countries

Deal with your own problems. The borders are closed. Not our fault. Nobody’s fault. Except China’s, MSNBC’s, and Nancy Pelosi’s. Other than them, no one’s fault. Certainly not my fault! No more than the scratches on the living room chair! Not me! And, the name of this thing is CHINESE VIRUS. Did you ever meet a Siamese Cat? From Siam? Not very nice, right?!?! Some whole families of cats just aren’t cool.

Getting a little anxious, but my ears aren’t flattened yet … 

                xo to all my fans, Miko